A miscarriage is truly such a traumatic experience!

We are still processing.

I was totally devastated by the amount of blood I was losing. I was two months pregnant and the baby was supposed to be the size of a berry or something, So I couldn’t understand passing so much tissue and soaking so many pads, or why my body feels so broken.

And all my heart wants to know is: what went wrong?

I wrote so nicely about ‘we’ and ‘our baby’, but throughout this ordeal I’ve been selfish more than a few times. I just wanted my mother! I needed my sister because I literally believe that no one can take care of me the way she can.  Not knowing how much of an insult (for lack of a better word) this must have been to my newly-wedded husband. Taking care of me, making the bathroom trips with me, re-heating water bottles for the 3rd and 4th time in the middle of the night. Living through this moment with me was most probably the closest he could get to understanding what I am feeling.  He did all of this and more without complaining, without hesitation and with so much care. We have different ways of coping and navigating through experiences. Laz is a private person, but I chose to share our experience because while going through this I needed some insight and practical tips. All I could find was statistics and a few blog posts that left me feeling like I joined a club who throws pity parties. But shame, I needed that validation too. Hence I’m putting this out there so others who needs this info can take what they need from my experience, not having to stress about things other than focusing their energies on processing the trauma and healing.

I put a black refuse bag covered with a towel on my side of the bed in order to not stain the linen and mattress. That was a really good call as I had to change 4 times within the first 4 hours of the “abortion” starting. I also figured out very quickly that it’s better to leave the pads and a few underwear in the bathroom, as well as two extra rolls of toilet paper and plastic bags for the used sanitary towels.

I stocked my bedside chair with tissues, medication, water and whatever else I thought I’d need. The hot water bottle was my saving grace as I didn’t take the Ibuprofen, as suggested. My toilet visits were long as I experienced a runny tummy as well, and had to immediately rinse the underwear and pants I messed on to prevent bloodstains that would become difficult to get rid of later on. I also stayed hydrated and nibbled to keep up my strength as I couldn’t eat due to nausea.

I rest. I pray. I cry. I reply late. I do whatever I deem necessary to get through this.

Even though my uterus is empty, my heart is so very full today. Filled with gratitude towards all of you ladies who shared your experiences with me. Thank you for your openness. We appreciate all the love and support we have received during this time. Thank You!

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