The words I told my sleep-deprived husband as he was rubbing my back this morning at an ungodly hour while I was balling my eyes out.

I’m writing out of anger for being ill-prepared, and with a very heavy heart.

 I don’t deserve this! Even though I had been a horrible human being lately, extremely irritable with explosive moods. I was PMSing REAL HARD, sore tits and all.

Or so I thought.

But then I realized that I was two days late… so I peed on a stick and then on another one just to confirm, you know – the two pink lines.

It’s only 4 in the morning, so mommy-dearest makes herself a nice cup of tea and then decides to switch her phone off as she might get a strong urge to share the photo she had just taken of the two positive pregnancy tests with her sisters. (Some of you might be thinking why does she have tests readily available. That’s because a family member thought it would make an excellent add-on to our wedding gift as we had an inside joke with her late husband. This was truly the best way of honoring his memory.) I roamed the house for an hour and then decided to wake Laz at 5am. I showed him the tests, we had a cute little intimate moment and snuggled up. We were in awe at how quickly this had happened with no planning at all. It was indeed a pleasant surprise and we were beyond ourselves. THIS was the little good we needed in the midst of the shit-storm that hit us at the beginning of December and never seemed to end.

Doctors appointment were booked for that same day, followed by a little announcement to Baby Maya’s grandparents and Laz’ siblings.  

Long story short- our excitement was short lived! Come to think of it, I haven’t even gotten around to buying anything yet, but I did order bibs from EngelKind to use in the announcement for the rest of our families and friends by end June. But here I am sharing a different story! At our scheduled early ultrasound, the doctor couldn’t pick up a heartbeat She then called her colleague to look and confirm, and so he did! With absolutely no compassion.

We did a second round of Beta HCG testing. Your hormone levels should rise indicating a growing foetus but mine wasn’t. It was decreasing slowly but steadily. So slow that my body didn’t recognize the loss, hence I still had pregnancy symptoms while knowing our baby is dead. It was diagnosed a Missed- or Silent Miscarriage. I had to continue my daily routine- go to work, run errands. I went to church two Sundays in a row singing the praises of the Lord. It was emotionally taxing not knowing when my body would expel the tissue. It felt like I was walking around with death inside me. It consumed my mind. Its’ all I thought of and read up on.

I went for a second opinion – same diagnosis. But this doctor gave me options as she was concerned for my mental, spiritual and emotional well-being just as she was about my physical.  Waiting it out was no longer an option for me. It felt like I was stuck in grief. Still taking my supplements and not drinking my copious amounts of coffee even though my body wasn’t nurturing a developing baby anymore, but I was aware that our baby was still there – tightly nested in my womb so my conscious wouldn’t allow me.

Monday saw me checking into the local government hospital’s maternity ward for another exam. I was over being looked into and “tampered’ with. My vagina was so sore but not more than my heart. I distracted my mind while he was doing an internal to check if my cervix was still closed. I focused on the state-of-the-art equipment he had just used for the ultrasound. I could see my baby for the last time, at 9 weeks, 4 days, better on this screen than the one I got from my private doctor. This was necessary as I couldn’t get the medication I needed from the private pharmacies and the doctor can’t write a script based on other doctors’ findings. Hence we had to get a forth confirmation. I got the 1st pill and took it orally when I got home, then had to wait for 24 hours until I took the next 4 pills. I was told what I could expect to happen when taking the pills by the lovely young pharmacist who, before giving me the medications and directions, sympathized with our loss.

Last night was the worst night of my life! I had extreme nausea and couldn’t even get myself to take pain medication. So I braved this miscarriage with nothing but a hot water bottle, Always maxi pads, my husband and all of the comfortable cotton panties I own. It was, and still is, horrible – messy – ugly!

To be continued…

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