“You need to have more grace with yourself Ruth!” she whispered into my ear as she gave me the tightest hug anybody has ever given me, apart from boyfriend’s aunt from Atlantis.
It’s weird coz Miss Dunn doesn’t even know me like that. We met at a baby-shower once before, but there was no confusion. I knew exactly what she meant when she said that coz it was not revealed to her by flesh and blood!
I could give you times and dates, events and scenarios of all the times I had absolutely no grace with myself. Which is so damn weird coz I’ve got so much for other people. I’m a quick forgiver and try not to be a record-keeper or even-getter. I always exercise kindness and serve others in love, even if I deem them undeserving at times.
STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You need to learn to reward your efforts and not the outcome. Laz told me this when I was pissed with myself for giving him the wrong lyrics and sequence of the song the night before he had to minister in dance at his grandfather’s funeral. What kind of horrible person gives her deaf boyfriend wrong lyrics to dance to? The one who had to repeatedly listen to a song 18+ times coz it was a live recording and Google didn’t have the words?
IT COULDVE HAPPENED TO ANYBODY a colleague said while we were making tea when I told her about Jaz rocking up at my work earlier that day coz I forgot to inform my dad to pick her up directly after school coz netball was cancelled. It’s literally in the same street but anything could have happened.
See, I hold myself to a very high standard. And me not meeting my own expectations or making lousy mistakes is a huge let down. I’m so good at being a disappointment and I’ve mastered the art of mentally beating myself up for it.
Like with this new website! I was over a month late coz my want for perfection became procrastination. Also, I did not take into consideration that I do everything blog related by myself. I am the designer ( mxm, I make use of WordPress themes), the writer of almost really good content and I am the photographer, apparently smart phone photography issa thing. Neither did I consider the fact that I work a full time job, raising a child, have church commitments and have to participate in life by being a daughter, a partner, a friend and a colleague. And besides having human limitations like being tired and uninspired, and being diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, my laptop is busy failing me and shuts off every 10 minutes. Do you know how annoying that is?
Anyways, I gave this much thought and decided that I need to be a little more kind to myself, and this is how:
Acceptance – for me this means to make peace with my shortcomings. I need to accept the fact that I have physical limitations – hands that go numb and that typing is an activity which is accompanied by much pain. Then I also need to swallow my pride and not think of myself as a burden when I need to ask for help.
I need to come to terms with the fact that God won’t give me the extra 5 hours a day I’ve been praying for, or make time stand still so I could have enough time to be everything I want to be to everybody. I will disappoint if I continue to overcommit.
I need to stop offering to replace the glasses and other items I break, coz shit happens no matter how careful I am.
Affirmation – I will speak even more positivity into my life than ever before. I will continue to believe that I can do all things through Christ but I will be realistic with regards to my abilities, also keeping in mind that I serve a miracle working God.
Appreciation – I will reward my action/ effort no matter the outcome. Knowing that I did my best and that in love, will be comforting and enough!
When things do go south, I will not nurture feelings of inadequacy or self-pity but of learning and growing from the experience or lesson.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.